Why It’s Hard to Practice Self-Compassion
Often, when people hear the term “self-compassion” they tend to associate it with letting yourself off the hook when you do “bad” things or they believe that it’s about lying to yourself, having a pity party, or not holding yourself accountable. The truth is that it is the opposite that. Self-compassion is not a free pass, self-compassion requires accountability, honesty, and action through the lens of kindness.
Self-compassion has a variety of important benefits to our wellness. It can increase our motivation in long-term and sustainable way. It improves resilience, supports connections in relationships, enhances mood, rise in optimism, and supports connection to a deeper sense of meaning in life.
Self-compassion is an important skill that can help us navigate life's ups and downs. It is the act of treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, particularly during times of difficulty or failure. Despite the many benefits of self-compassion, many people find it difficult to practice self-compassion consistently. Let’s explore some of the reasons why it can be SO hard to practice self-compassion and how you can attempt to overcome these challenges.
1. Self-judgment and self-criticism
One of the main reasons people struggle with self-compassion is because of our negative self-talk. Many of us have a harsh inner critic that constantly evaluates and judges our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This inner critic can make us feel like we are not good enough or that we are failures. When we are critical of ourselves, it's hard to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding. Instead, we tend to focus on our flaws and shortcomings.
What you can do: Try to become aware of your inner critic and the negative self-talk. Challenge these thoughts by asking yourself if they are true or if they are based on assumptions or beliefs that are not helpful. When you notice negative self-talk, reframe it with positive affirmations or statements that are kind and compassionate or more neutral.
2. Fear of appearing weak or admitting that we need support
Another common reason why people struggle with self-compassion is because they fear appearing vulnerable. We live in a culture that values strength, independence, and self-sufficiency. As a result, admitting that we need help or support can be challenging. We may worry that others will see us as weak or that they will judge us for our struggles.
What you can do: Remember that asking for help or support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Recognize that everyone experiences difficulties and that it's okay to ask for help. When you are struggling, reach out to a trusted friend or loved one, or seek professional support.
3. The belief that self-criticism motivates us to improve
Many of us believe that being self-critical is necessary for self-improvement. We may think that if we are hard on ourselves, we will be more motivated to change or to do better next time. While it's true that constructive feedback can be helpful in the short term, self-criticism is often counterproductive. When we are self-critical, we tend to focus on our flaws rather than on our strengths. This can lead to feelings of shame, self-doubt, and low self-esteem, making it harder to make positive changes.
What you can do: Reframe your self-talk to focus on your strengths and accomplishments, rather than on your flaws and shortcomings. When you make mistakes, be kind and understanding with yourself, and use the experience as an opportunity to learn and grow.
4. Messages that teach us to equate self-worth with achievement
Many of us have learned to equate our self-worth with our achievements. We may believe that we are only valuable if we are successful or productive, and that any failures or mistakes mean that we are not good enough. This mindset can make it difficult to practice self-compassion, as we may feel that we don't deserve kindness or understanding when we fall short of our expectations.
What you can do: Practice mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness can help you become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judging them. This can help you respond to yourself with greater kindness and understanding.
5. We may be carrying past traumas or wounds
Finally, it's important to recognize that practicing self-compassion can be particularly challenging for those who have experienced past traumas or wounds. When we have been hurt or neglected in the past, we may have developed a critical inner voice that tells us we are not worthy of love or care. Overcoming these internalized messages takes time and effort, but it is possible with the right support and resources.
What you can do: Practice self-care, take care of your physical and emotional needs is an important part of self-compassion. Make time for activities that nourish your body and soul, such as exercise, healthy eating, and spending time with loved ones.
Practicing self-compassion can be challenging, but it's worth the effort. By becoming aware of the reasons why we struggle with self-compassion, we can take steps to overcome these challenges and develop a kinder, more compassionate relationship with ourselves. Remember, self-compassion is not about ignoring or excusing our mistakes or flaws. It's about treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a good friend.
